The Silmarillion in 1000 words

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The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Fri Aug 24, 2012 1:10 pm

I was thinking about this, had to go back and find it. It's brilliant.

http://www.killermovies.com/forums/archive/index.php/t-293669-the-silmarillion-in-1000-words.html

*gulp* here goes

THE ENTIRE SILMARILLION OF J. R. R. TOLKIEN IN ONE THOUSAND WORDS.


AINULINDALE:

ILUVATAR: Ahem.
AINUR: Wow! Existence!
ILUVATAR: *blows pitch pipe* LA!
AINUR: LA LA LA!
ILUVATAR: LA LA!
AINUR: LA LA!
MELKOR: This sucks. BUM BUM BA DUM!
AINUR: Um. . . la?
ILUVATAR: Ahem. LA!
MELKOR: Boop bop-a-doo-bop!
ILUVATAR: LA, dammit.
MELKOR: Bwam bardle ningle boom.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: Right, you're out of the band.
MELKOR: Fine, I was leaving anyway.
AINUR: . . .
ILUVATAR: What are you waiting for?
AINUR: Oh. Right. Newly created world. Sorry. Great jam session, big guy!
ILUVATAR: Yeesh.



VALAQUENTA:

MANWE: I'm in charge!
VARDA: I'm Manwe's spouse. And queen of the stars!
NAMO: I do death and fate. They call me Mandos.
VAIRE: I'm Namo's spouse. I weave things.
IRMO: I have gardens. They call me Lorien.
ESTE: I'm Irmo's spouse. I take care of the gardens.
YAVANNA: I make things grow.
NIENNA: I'm sad.
ULMO: I live in the ocean.
AULE: I'm Yavanna's spouse. I've got a great big hammer! I made dwarves.
NESSA: I dance.
OROME: I hunt!
VANA: I'm Orome's spouse. I make living things happy.
TULKAS: I'm strong. I'm Nessa's spouse. I got here last.
MELKOR: I'm bad, momma, I'm ONE BAD MUTHA-
TULKAS: Grar.
MELKOR: Um. Yeah. Hiding now.



QUENTA SILMARILLION:

VALAR: Hey! Ilmaren! Party on the island, everyone!
MELKOR: Bah. Too bright. *builds fortress, kicks over lamps*
VALAR: AUGH! *flee to west*
MELKOR: Hu hu hu.
VALAR: Oooooh SHINY TREES! Yavanna made shiny trees!
YAVANNA: Yep! Aren't they pretty?
MELKOR: Want shiny.
VALAR: Nope.
MELKOR: Why not?
VALAR: Because you're a jerk.
ELVES: Oh hey, stars. Shiny!
MELKOR: Oh hey, breeding stock.
ELVES: AUGH!
UNGOLIANT: Want shiny.
MELKOR: Let's go get shiny.
FEANOR: I've made more shiny!
VALAR: Good, 'cos Melkor took ours. Can we have yours?
FEANOR: No! MY SHINIES! MINE!
VALAR: Aw, !&*()!@&!(&.
MELKOR: Got the shinies!
UNGOLIANT: Not enough shiny. Want more shiny!
MELKOR: You can't have 'em.
UNGOLIANT: Grar.
MELKOR: Eeek! *runs*
FEANOR AND SONS: We're gettin' our shinies back. And YOU CAN'T HAVE 'EM, Valar!
MELKOR/MORGOTH: No you're not. *stabbity fiery burny death*
BEREN: Ooo! Pretty elf lady!
THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.
LUTHIEN: La la la
MORGOTH: Ooo baby... *zzz*
BEREN: Got your shiny!
MORGOTH: you BASTARD! I stole those fair and square!
CARCHAROTH: Grar.
BEREN: Ow!
THINGOL: Got the shiny?
BEREN: 's in my hand.
THINGOL: And?
BEREN: Hand's not here.
THINGOL: Crap, I really wanted that shiny.
CARCHAROTH: GRAR!!!!
BEREN: *dies*
LUTHIEN: *dies* La la la.
MANDOS: ... oh all right.
LUTHIEN: *returns to life*
BEREN: *returns to life*
LUTHIEN: Beren! Look! The shiny! In a necklace!
FEANOR'S SONS: *mutter*
LUTHIEN: *dies again*
BEREN: *dies again*
DIOR: Oo, Mom's shiny!
FEANOR'S SONS: WANT SHINY!
DIOR: *dies*
ELWING: Eek! *grabs shiny, runs*
FEANOR'S SONS: !*&(!)&*!.
EARENDIL: Hey. Nice shiny. Yo! Valar!
VALAR: Well FINALLY. *stomp stomp stomp*
EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!
MORGOTH: Eek!
VALAR: Got your shinies!
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: You mean OUR shinies!
VALAR: Oh *!&(!&.
MAGLOR AND MAEDHROS: Ow! Burny shinies!
MAEDHROS: Fine. This sucks. *jumps into chasm*
MAGLOR: Um... not really looking forward to meeting Dad again... *chucks shiny into sea* Bye. *wanders off*
VALAR: Well... um... okay.



AKALLABETH:

VALAR: Thanks for helping with Morgoth, Edain! Have an island! Elros is in charge!
EDAIN: Cool!
VALAR: Don't come looking for us.
EDAIN: Okay.
ELVES OF TOL ERESSEA: Have our stuff!
NUMENOREANS: Neat! Ooo, Middle-Earth!
GIL-GALAD: Dudes. Good to see you.
NUMENOREANS: Yeah, same here. What's going on?
GIL-GALAD: War with Sauron mostly.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Shiny tall wonderful wise sea-king dudes! Yay!
NUMENOREANS: Here, have some stuff and wisdom.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: <3 <3 <3
NUMENOREANS: Life is cool. Why do we have to die?
ELVES: You're human?
NUMENOREANS: Can the Valar fix that?
VALAR: No.
NUMENOREANS: That sucks. Go away.
ELVES: Fine.
ELENDILI: Hey! Over here! We still like you!
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Gosh, we're lonely.
NUMENOREANS: Whatever, give us your wealth and your children.
MEN OF MIDDLE-EARTH: Um, okay.
ELENDILI: This isn't gonna end well, is it?
ELVES: No.
TAR-PALANTIR: We're sorry?
GIMILKHAD: *I'm* not.
AR-PHARAZON: Thanks for the throne, dude.
TAR-MIRIEL: Hey!
AR-PHARAZON: Shaddap, woman. Sauron, j00 suxx0r! I 0wnz0r j00!
SAURON: Okay.
AR-PHARAZON: Make me immortal.
SAURON: Human sacrifice is good. Also burn that pesky white tree.
AR-PHARAZON: Um. . .
ISILDUR: Hey! White tree! Got your fruit!
SAURON: *makes chicken noises*
AR-PHARAZON: Fine. Tree burn! Fire pretty!
ELENDIL: Isildur, Anarion, get the boats.
AR-PHARAZON: I've got a huge navy! Let's go conquer Valinor!
VALAR: Oh no you don't. *CRASHBANGBOOM*
AR-PHARAZON & CO.: Eeek!
ELENDIL, ISILDUR, ANARION: Wheee!
NUMENOREANS: Arrgh!
NUMENOR: SPLOOSH.
SAURON: Bwa ha ha! Um, where's my body?
ILUVATAR: Did I mention the world is round now?
NUMENOREANS IN EXILE: Well, crap.



OF THE RINGS OF POWER AND THE THIRD AGE:

ELVES: Wonder what's going on over the ocean. This crafting deal is pretty sweet, though!
DWARVES: Yeah, seriously.
ANNATAR: Hi, elves! Wanna learn some cool stuff?
ELVES: Okay!
SAURON: They fell for it.
SEVEN DWARVES: Thanks for the rings! . . oooh, GOLD! MUST HAVE GOLD!
NINE MEN: Neat rings. . . Hey, didn't Mom die like six hundred years ago?
CELEBRIMBOR: Okay, how about we do three more and call it a wrap?
SAURON: How about I do one more and claim them ALL?
ELVES: AUGH!
SAURON: Bwa ha ha!
LAST ALLIANCE OF ELVES AND MEN: Push off.
SAURON: Make me.
ISILDUR: Whack.
SAURON: Ow.
ELROND: Hey, you got his ring. Let's ditch it.
ISILDUR: No.
ELROND: This sucks.
ISILDUR: Tell me about it. *dies*
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
CIRDAN: Hi, wizards! You in the grey, catch!
SAURON: Okay, that's long enough. Movin' into Dol Guldur.
SARUMAN: It's not him. Also the ring's lost at sea.
RING: No I'm not.
THE WISE: Augh.
THE WEAK: Bad ring! Volcano for you!
RING: *melts*
SAURON: AUGH!
MORDOR: BOOM.
GONDORIANS: *change calendar*
ELROND, GALADRIEL: Road trip!
GANDALF: Hi Cirdan! Still got your ring!
CIRDAN: Cool. Let's go to Valinor!

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Fri Aug 24, 2012 1:16 pm

Found the original posting so the original author can get full credit:

http://camwyn.livejournal.com/328358.html

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Mrs Figg on Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:23 pm

thanks Halfwise, now I dont need to read the book. phew! Razz

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Norc on Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:35 pm

and still too long to read.
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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Fri Aug 24, 2012 2:38 pm

Unfortunately I think you need to have read the original to get any of the humor in the summary.

THINGOL: You can have her if you ... BRING ME A SHINY!
BEREN: Worth a shot.

This is hysterical, but only if you know what it's talking about.

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Ally on Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:24 pm



Pretty much

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:41 pm

Once again, you need to read the S. to get the multitude of jokes. Maybe just skip to the last section: Of the Third Age and the Rings of Power

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Ally on Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:44 pm

I did read your comment you know. I do, sometimes. Read things that is

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Pettytyrant101 on Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:52 pm

NIENNA: I'm sad.- Laughing

EARENDIL: Wow, planetary orbit!- Laughing

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Ally on Fri Aug 24, 2012 7:56 pm

That always got me, too Laughing

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Ally on Fri Aug 24, 2012 8:05 pm

ELVES: Fine.

Hahahah its funny because the Elves are fine
Fine at things
Hahahaha Laughing

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by RA on Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:46 am

Illuvatar: you're out of the band.
Lol! I could imagine this as a quick sketch played in my head. Reminds me of Mel Brooks's History of the World.

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Pettytyrant101 on Sat Aug 25, 2012 12:52 am

Jews in Spaaaaaaace! Laughing

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by RA on Sat Aug 25, 2012 1:05 am

Yeah, haha! That song reminds of the Men in Tights song.

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Orwell on Sat Aug 25, 2012 1:47 am

Never liked that song. Suspect

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by RA on Sat Aug 25, 2012 2:12 am

But why? No

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Orwell on Sat Aug 25, 2012 2:51 am

Just don't --- and that's as logical as it gets with me... Some call it a 'taste' thing, I guess... Very Happy

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by RA on Sat Aug 25, 2012 5:27 pm

Nah, it's cool I was just kidding. jocolor

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Orwell on Mon Aug 27, 2012 2:03 am

Wink

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Norc on Mon Sep 03, 2012 1:55 pm

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Norc on Tue Oct 02, 2012 8:34 am

alien
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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by chris63 on Wed Oct 03, 2012 5:20 am

albino

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:47 pm

Orwell wrote:Never liked that song. Suspect

Strikes a little too near home base, does it?

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by halfwise on Wed Oct 03, 2012 11:49 pm

I mean it's perfectly okay, we're accepting of all types here.

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Re: The Silmarillion in 1000 words

Post by Orwell on Thu Oct 04, 2012 10:05 pm

halfwise wrote:
Orwell wrote:Never liked that song. Suspect

Strikes a little too near home base, does it?

Hey! How did I miss that? Shocked

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