WHOLESOME TALES

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Post by Squach on Fri Jun 10, 2011 9:02 pm

Pettytyrant101 wrote:I think thats the bravest thing the Bugle has ever published! (And by brave I mean suicidally insane) Illuvatar help them when Kafria reads it! But should be fun! I'd better dig out the popcorn again I may be needing it soon.

More like when I read it!

Pettytyrant101 wrote: Shocked ADMIN!!!!!!!!!!!
Yes, exactly. ADMIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Odo, what lovely fictional tales he Bugle has created from their imaginative minds. ((((((I crossed it out because, knowing Odo, he will take it as an offense!)))))) dull, boring minds. Neutral Neutral Neutral <- like that.

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Post by Eldorion on Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:09 pm

Let me say that my opposition to the Emasculation Law is more out of concern with the, er, severity of the punishment rather than any deep ideological disagreement with it's content. Very Happy

The Archet Bugle wrote:(1) The Vote
(2) Equal pay for Equal Work
(3) Promotion based on Merit
(4) Shared Responsibility in Child Rearing
(5) Same Sex Marriage
(6) The Downfall of Patriarchy
(7) Female Illuvataran Priests

The Administration shall need time to consider a full response to this radical agenda, however, it may be able to make some concessions. We do, however, request that all opposition parties consider the worthiness of preserving traditional political establishments and power structures, as that enables us all to enjoy a more stable and equal society for all (though some are more equal than others)! Very Happy
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Post by Pettytyrant101 on Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:11 pm

You are certainly getting the hang of this politics lark Eldo- that sounded fair, reasonable and thoughtful and said absolutely nothing! Well done. Wink

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Post by Eldorion on Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:12 pm

One does learn a thing or two after having to manage the Scotshobbiton crowd for so long. Wink
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Post by Pettytyrant101 on Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:18 pm

Laughing Good to know the press are keepin you on your toes. We know what we like we Scothobbits and we aren't afraid to say it, loudly and drunkenly.

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Post by Ally on Fri Jun 10, 2011 10:19 pm

odo banks wrote:THE TALE OF THE GIRL WHO WOULD NOT GO TO HER ROOM

Once upon a time there was a young child (this could have been a girl or a boy but for the sake of good story telling we'll say it's a "girl" this time around, and if it was a boy it would be a very feminine boy anyway, not that there is anything wrong with that).

The young child (a girl in this instance) was named Blotch. I know, this sounds a silly name (and is even sillier without the 't' - as some spell it - and that would make another story in itself, and probably will). But silly names are all around us, like Flopsy, or Geebee, or Petty or Kathria, or Brer Rabbit (I mean, "Brer Rabbit"! Why not "Roast Rabbit"?), so we must just accept it and wince. And what of "Ringdrotten"? Can they get sillier. (Yes, they can!) Now Ally's a nicer name. For Ally's are always lovely girls, polite and attractive, intelligent (for girls) and always good (wholesome) fun to be with, and always sadly missed when they're away without notice. But Blotch was not the kind of girl an Ally was, for Blotch was a disobedient girl. (It's alright, Mother's and Father's, this is not a Tawdry Tale - you must read NotP for that kind of thing, not that I reccommend it, if you don't want to be struck dead by Illuvatar, Bless HIM!)

One afternoon, when Blotch got home from school (Morgoth Junior Co-ED Public School) her mother was in the drawing room drinking a nice glass of red (which is quite alright, though not at three fourty pm and not drunk by the bottlefull).

"Hey! Is that you, Blotch? Will you please shut that f^#$^!@ door! That wind must be from the f^#*$!@i Arctic!"

"Oh Mother, shut it you're .... (and Blotch said a word too bad even to disguise with ampersands and dollar signs! Shocked )... self, you old (............)(........)(!!!!!!!!!!!!!) bag!"

As you can see, Blotch knew nothing of proper drawing room talk, no, not in the least.

"Don't f^#$^!@ talk to your Mother like that!"

"Well, Mother, you can (!!!!!!)(............. ..... ...... !!!!! ...... !!!) yourself!"

"How dare you say that ---- and as if it was anatomically possible, and me a former netballer!" her Mother replied, almost shocked, the blow to her dignity (or what was left of it) somewhat protected by the bottles of good Old Wynyard she had consumed after lunch (which was a Dieter's Biscuit soaked in a (large) bowl of buckie). "You go to your room right this instance, Little Missy!"

"Well, you can... ... ...." (You can work out the rest).

"Well, I never!" said Mother, tearing-up as she often did when Blotch spoke to her thus. "You wouldn't say this if you weren't surrounded by women with nary a man to be seen in the whole neighbourhood."

"Well, Mother, there aint none of them around, now is there; and no wonder, you being such an emancipated person."

Now this really hurt, no matter how pickled she was just then; for Mother was a former member of FROFF (and we know what that means!) but had stopped going to meetings - where she might have imbibed fake courage and strength - because of her wobbly legs, this due to her alcohol problem (which itself had a lot to do with her only having women around and no positive role models).

Mother, legless or not just then, propelled by hurt (and given a fleeting surge of righteousness, by Illuvatar one assumes) lurched to her feet and grabbed an ashtray.

"Throw it hag," said the defiant little Miss as he stood in the doorway giving her mother a rude sign with one of her grubby fingers, with which she had recently been picking her nose - and in public! "You couldn't hit the side of a barn - you being such a girly-throw and all!"

No one really knows how Mother managed it (some suspect Illuvatar's hand, of course), but she let fly with the ashtray, sending cgarette butts everywhere, to be lost among the other numerous butts strewn on the floor. Amazingly, the ashtray hit Blotch fair in the left temple, knocking her unconcious.

The neighbours then called the Sheriff's Office and Mother and Daughter were taken away by two firm and caring Hobbits from Family Welfare, both Lady Sheriffs with appropriate morals (that's why they were allowed to work in Women's Domestic Issues Squad).

Blotch was placed in a Home for her own good. The Illuvataran Priest Custodian, Grimwald Harshhead, saw to her Improvement, with a strict regime that soon set her straight. Before too long, on advice, she changed her name to "Ally" - a nicer name all round, and was allowed to return to her Mother ---- and new Father! (see below).

Mother spent three months in a Dryout Prison. The Warden, Severus Sternbeck, helped her get over her drinking problem. Indeed, once sober, Mother became the nice girl she had been brought up to be, for she was under the stern but forgiving male eye of Severus. Severus seeing that Mother (dried out) was a buxom and attractive lady (for her age) fell in love with her and made her (shortly) after a Full Woman again, via the magic of Holy Matrimony.

And they all lived happily ever after.

THE NEW BUGLE BOOK of
WHOLESOME TALES
Sponsored by Odo R. Banks, esquire.


Er- okay. Thanks, I guess for the praises towards my name...kinda weird. But I like weird.

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Post by odo banks on Fri Jun 10, 2011 11:39 pm

Yes, you're almost perfect, Ally, we know that - but the "weird" will have to go if one is to "totally" respect you! Very Happy (And the buckies-and-coke, mmm... I know you're of age, but you will need to hold back a little. You don't want to become too "emancipated", now would you? Not every young woman (or older woman, like in the tale) is rescued in the end - when things collapse around you - by a handsome Severus!)

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Post by Eldorion on Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:35 am

Pettytyrant101 wrote: Laughing Good to know the press are keepin you on your toes. We know what we like we Scothobbits and we aren't afraid to say it, loudly and drunkenly.

Trust me, I know. Laughing
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Post by The Archet Bugle on Sat Jun 11, 2011 6:06 am

THE TALE OF RASPBERRY SQUASH

Once upon a time there was a large patch of raspberry canes. It grew on farmer McTyrant's Farm in Scotsargyllshire (which the Forumshire Postal Service deems to be an island, but who on earth would know anyway, and that's another story entirely).

The raspberry people who grew on the canes were very sensible and knew what's what. Every year in the appropriate season the new generation would swell on the canes and ripen, to be eaten by birds and transported to other places where they might be dropped on new ground - ground of Illuvatar's choice - quite transformed and mixed with natural fertilizer - to grow into new canes - pending Illuvatar's blessing. Most raspberries accepted their fate, and gladly, but now and then an individualistic raspberry would fatten on the cane, full of vanity and self-opinionation. And such a one was Raspberry Squash.

"I don't want to get get pecked by a bird!" she complained one sunny day.

"Well, that's how it goes," said Raspberry Wise. "Illuvatar made the cane and the cane made the bud and the bud made the raspberry."

"I don't care for that twaddle," opined Raspberry Squash. "I said I don't want to be pecked by a horrid starling - or blackbird - and that's it!"

"But that's how it is," said Raspberry Kafria (a sensible raspberry even if her name sounds foreign, possibly Middle Eastern). "Illuvatar made the cane and the cane made the bud and the bud made the raspberry."

"What? Be eaten and digested and pooped somewhere. Not me."

"Things are as they are and should be respected," said Raspberry Odo (an extremely respectable raspberry who everyone - in this story - thoroughly respected). "Illuvatar made the cane and the cane made the bud and the bud made the raspberry."

"Even if I could put up with some lice infested bird's digestive tract - and bowells! eeek!! - I certainly would not like to be plopped down just anywhere! I want to choose where I grow!"

"Nonsense! Emancipated thinking like that can only come at a horrible cost," put in Raspberry Eldorion (a bossy raspberry who - though often wise - was quite pushy, some say a Stalinist). "Didn't Raspbery Ghandi say the same thing? Not that he listened to his own advice - and look how it ended up for him!"

"I don't care, Eldorion," exclaimed Raspberry Squash. "I want to bury myself in a nice plot of lawn beneath a spreading tree on the bank of a tinkling stream in the fertile lowlands."

"Tut tut!" said Raspberry Ringdrotten. "Even a Norwayan raspberry would never say that! We should always bear in mind what the Raspberry Danes say. 'Illuvatar made the cane and the cane made the bud and the bud made the raspberry.'"

"I would not usually agree, but I do," smiled Ally Raspberry "The Fair" - a lovely plump Raspberry who everybody loved - especially Raspberry Odo - though only platonically, for that is only respectable - for a raspberry.

"I don't care," said our wilfull little raspberry. "I want to choose my own destiny and not be part of the pack."

"Och nee nelly noo. Ock bagpipes sporran the tartans nellie haggis yee!" said one particularly crabbit raspberry by name, Petty Raspbery, who was an idividual himself, and rather violent - he did argue hotly with Gandalfsbeard Raspberry for instance and had knocked that poor deluded raspberry right off the cane after a long silly debate about something-or-other --- but Petty Raspberry still was respectful of Illuvatar - after a fashion. "Nilly knee the noodle nam nam!"

"That may well be the case," cried Raspberry Squash in a peeve. "But I've made my mind up and I'm going!"

And with that, Raspberry Squash plucked hereself off the cane and plopped to the ground, and away she rolled, quite pleased with herself.

After that she fought a duck to the death in Blackpool, wrestled a dragon in Doveton - they came a draw and let bygones be bygones - climbed a mountain in Northumberland and stole an eagle's egg - which she poached - fought a host of spiders in Mirkwood (near Plymouth) and then baffled a walrus with clever riddles (he was from York) --- but none of that boring stuff comes into this wholesome tale.

At last, Raspberry Squash - somewhat bruised but still defiant to Illuvatar - found her grassy spot under a spreading tree above a tinkling stream in the fertile lowlands. And there she planted herself.

Everything went well for a times and she grew into a marvellous strong cane, and she felt pretty good about herself.

But one day the Local Council decided to put a line of terrace houses along the stream bank. In came the bulldozers, and Raspberry Squash was dug up and buried deep deep down, and never went to Valinor.

So listen ye everyone! Heed the voice of wisdom: "Illuvatar made the cane and the cane made the bud and the bud made the raspberry."


BOOK OF WHOLESOME TALES
BUGLE BOOKS
Sponsored by Odo R. Banks, esquire.



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Post by Pettytyrant101 on Sat Jun 11, 2011 7:27 am

I hope there's an anthology edition I have to get it! Wonderful stuff, and wholesome too. Very Happy

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Post by Eldorion on Sat Jun 11, 2011 7:35 am

I actually read the entire Tale of Raspberry Squash and I loved it. Laughing Quality stuff here, Odo! I shall have to read the rest of these tales. Cool
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Post by Porgy Bunk-Banks on Sat Jun 11, 2011 2:07 pm

I have no idea what the point of this story is, but I love the name. If Wisey and I have another child, a girl, I'm going to call her Raspberry! Very Happy
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Post by Pettytyrant101 on Sat Jun 11, 2011 3:28 pm

Rasberry Banks. Does have a certain ring to it.

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Post by Ally on Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:50 pm

odo banks wrote:Yes, you're almost perfect, Ally, we know that - but the "weird" will have to go if one is to "totally" respect you! Very Happy (And the buckies-and-coke, mmm... I know you're of age, but you will need to hold back a little. You don't want to become too "emancipated", now would you? Not every young woman (or older woman, like in the tale) is rescued in the end - when things collapse around you - by a handsome Severus!)

I'm not of age. I'm only seventeen, and a pretty immature one at that! And I don't drink buckie that often- you make me should like some drunk cat loving (though I do love cats, they're great) mad women!! I am addicted to the products of the coca-cola corporation though. Unless that's a nickname for cocaine?

And oh, how did you know I loved Severus? He's the greatest man ever! (We are talking about snape here, just to clarify??)
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Post by Ally on Sat Jun 11, 2011 4:56 pm

And oh, I love that raspberry tale! (But not in a romantic kind of love ofc) Smile
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Post by Eldorion on Sat Jun 11, 2011 5:38 pm

Ally wrote:I am addicted to the products of the coca-cola corporation though. Unless that's a nickname for cocaine?

I too am a hopeless cokehead. Razz Laughing
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Post by odo banks on Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:03 am

And this on the WHOLESOME TALES thread! Shocked

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Post by Ringdrotten on Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:14 am


"Och nee nelly noo. Ock bagpipes sporran the tartans nellie haggis yee!'"

lol! lol!

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Post by Pettytyrant101 on Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:15 am

And when I taught him it Odo promised he wouldn't ever divulge the secret language of the Scotshobbits! Mad

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Post by Ringdrotten on Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:17 am

Not to worry - I have no idea what that means Laughing

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Post by odo banks on Sun Jun 12, 2011 1:21 am

And I never will, Mr Tyrant, I never will.... Wink ((((( cyclops ))))).

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Post by The Archet Bugle on Sun Jun 12, 2011 4:31 am

THE VERY SHORT TALE OF THE HOBBIT WHO WALKED DOWN TO THE CORNER SHOP TO GET HIS NEWSPAPER

Once upon a time there was a hobbit - what is a hobbt - by now I would have thought you'd know - even Squatch who hasn't read the hobbit - anyway, enough of that sordid business, for this is the tale of the hobbit who walked down to the corner shop and got his newspaper. It happened in a part of Forumshire where nothing much happened. Indeed, a bird singing on a telegraph wire was thought exciting news there.

The End


THE BIG BOOK OF WHOLESOME TALES
PUBLISHED BY THE ARCHET BUGLE
Sponsored by FFF
(A CHAUVINISTIC FREE EMPLOYER)


Last edited by The Archet Bugle on Sun Jun 12, 2011 4:32 am; edited 1 time in total
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Post by Eldorion on Sun Jun 12, 2011 4:31 am

lol!
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Post by odo banks on Sun Jun 12, 2011 9:42 am

Sad really. (I heard it's near Scotshobbiton!)

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Post by The Archet Bugle on Sun Jun 12, 2011 11:31 am

THE STORY OF THE GIRL WHO HATED HERSELF

Once upon a time there was a child. The minute she could smile, she smiled. Audrey had a generous nature, but everyone thought she was too good to be true, and so no one liked her.

Indeed, other children hated her, parents hated her, even her teachers, quietly and carefully, hated her. It did not help that her parents were self made millionaires.

Nor that she was an excellent student, wonderful sports girl, martial artist, brilliant pianist and angelic singer.

By the time she was fourteen, she hated herself. This is what happens when no one likes you and you’ve done nothing to deserve it.

One day she took a rope and headed down to the local bridge. If her parents had have known, they would have stopped her, but they had no idea how bad Audrey felt, she had learned early not to trouble her parents who were powerless to do anything about what was happening.

Audrey threw her rope over a guard rail and placed the noose around her neck.

Just as she was about to jump, a girl walking past, stopped and appraised her with interest.

“What are you doing?”

“I can’t stand it anymore,” said Audrey. “I don’t want to complain, but I’m very sad and so I’m going to end it all.”

“That’s funny,” said the other girl.

“How is that funny?”

“Well, I came here last night and was going to do the same thing.”

“Really. Why?”

“Well, I’m not very attractive, as you can see. My nose is too big for my face, and my legs are a bit fat, and my head a bit square. And my parents haven’t got much money. So I have to wear cheap clothes. And I’m not good at school work, and no good at sport. In fact, I’m pretty useless. Worst of all, no one likes me. It’s always been like that.”

“Do you hate yourself?”

“I did, but when I came here last night I suddenly thought, well, why couldn’t I be my own friend?”

Audrey was surprised by that. “Be your own friend?”

“Yes, because you see, I thought – and I know it sounds silly – but I thought, if I was my own friend, I’d at least have one friend.”

“That’s true, I guess,” said Audrey doubtfully, but she could not help feeling a bit better immediately. “What’s your name?”

“The other girl said, “Audrey.”

“That’s certainly a coincidence?”

“Is that your name too? Wow!”

“You know, and I don’t mean to offend, but you look exactly how I feel. Does that sound a strange thing to say?”

“No, not at all; not if you know anything.”

After that, Audrey untied the rope and went home.

As she walked home, she said, “I suppose I could be my own friend for awhile, at least until I find someone a bit like me who could be my second friend.”

Audrey was one of the lucky ones.
The Archet Bugle
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