what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3]

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Post by Bluebottle on Thu Feb 25, 2016 3:10 pm

"Put the cat out, Min."
"Why Henry?"
"Because it´s on fire, Min."

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by azriel on Thu Feb 25, 2016 5:12 pm

Laughing Razz

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Post by azriel on Sat Feb 27, 2016 7:48 pm

what sort of jokes can I get away with? [3] - Page 2 Bob_zps53rev4l5

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel on Sat Feb 27, 2016 10:58 pm

"Silent farts that don't stink..."

An old woman visits the doctor for a routine check-up.

"Doctor, I have constant gas, but the farts are always silent and they don't stink!"

The doctor prescribes her some pills and sends her on her way.

Two weeks later she returns for a follow-up.

"Doctor, I still have constant silent farts, but now they stink!"

Doctor replies, "Alright, so we have cleared out those sinuses, now for your hearing..."

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel on Sat Feb 27, 2016 10:59 pm

Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this attractive girl in his office., but she was dating someone else.

One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, I'll give you £100 if you let me have sex with you....

The girl looked at him, and then said,'NO!'

Eddie said, Til be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'

She thought for a moment and said that she would consult her boyfriend...so she called him and explained the situation.

Her boy friend says, 'Ask him for £200, and pick up the money really fast He won't even be able to get his pants down.'

She agreed and accepts the proposal.

Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is still waiting for his girlfriend's call. Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks, ‘What took you so long...?’

Still breathing hard, she managed to reply,

'The bastard had all pennies !!'

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by azriel on Sat Feb 27, 2016 11:02 pm

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 150kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the expressway, enjoying pushing the Pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kph, then 200, then 250kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up With him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's Christmas. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

_________________
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by halfwise on Sat Feb 27, 2016 11:12 pm

Laughing

(but if this was the Game of Thrones thread I'd have to shout "misogyny!")

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Post by azriel on Sun Feb 28, 2016 8:04 am

Laughing

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Bluebottle on Sun Feb 28, 2016 8:27 pm

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Hahahahahahaha..

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Post by azriel on Mon Feb 29, 2016 7:51 am

Dum dum darrrrrrrrrrr

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Bluebottle on Fri Mar 04, 2016 5:42 pm

Two blood cells met and fell in love but alas it was all in vein

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by Bluebottle on Fri Mar 04, 2016 6:09 pm

SEAGOON: Ah, hello Captain Thynne. What's our position?
GRYTPYPE: Desperate, I mean I'll, I'll inquire. Navigator, can you restitute our position in the Med?
ECCLES: (nonsense gurgled words}
GRYTPYPE:What's that object off the port beam?
ECCLES: Yeah, what IS that object off the port beam?
SEAGOON: Good heavens! It's the Albert Hall!
ECCLES: You've been to sea before.
GRYTPYPE: But what is the Albert Hall doing off Beachy Head?
SEAGOON: More to the point, what is this ship doing in Hyde Park?
ECCLES: Ooh, the sea is calmer here.
GRYTPYPE: You idiot, we're four thousand miles off course.
ECCLES: (gulum noises) Well, nobody's perfect.
(Dishonoured again)

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by azriel on Fri Mar 04, 2016 7:37 pm

Like the blood joke Smile

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Nagual on Sun Mar 06, 2016 12:00 pm

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?


One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!
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Post by Mrs Figg on Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:10 pm

azriel wrote:A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z4 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 150kph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down the expressway, enjoying pushing the Pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.

"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kph, then 200, then 250kph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up With him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. It's Christmas. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, Sir," said the policeman

lol!

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Post by Mrs Figg on Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:12 pm

halfwise wrote:Laughing

(but if this was the Game of Thrones thread I'd have to shout "misogyny!")

Laughing

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Post by Mrs Figg on Sun Mar 06, 2016 1:13 pm

Nagual wrote:What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?


One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter!

Laughing :facepalm:

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Post by azriel on Sun Mar 06, 2016 2:09 pm

lol!

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Bluebottle on Sun Mar 06, 2016 6:13 pm

JUDGE: Now, do you mind. Now give your evidence.
BLUEBOTTLE: OK. On the night of the attack I was walking down Bongers Lane, when suddenly I stopped.
JUDGE: Why?
BLUEBOTTLE: Hmm?
JUDGE: Why, I said.
BLUEBOTTLE: I don't know. I must have been tired. My little tootsies were steaming after certain rock and roll dances, you see.
JUDGE: Hmm, and when you stopped, you saw then the victim, the victim, Mr Crun, was lying in the gutter, yes?
BLUEBOTTLE: Yes he was, and escaping over a wall was a man carrying a wooden-type piano.
JUDGE: But Mister Bluebottle, didn't you request the man with the piano to stop?
BLUEBOTTLE: No 'cause he wasn't playing it.
(The dreaded piano clubber)

Ah, I love the Goon Show. Laughing

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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by Bluebottle on Sun Mar 06, 2016 6:37 pm


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“We're doomed,” he says, casually. “There's no question about that. But it's OK to be doomed because then you can just enjoy your life."
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Post by chris63 on Mon Mar 07, 2016 4:23 am

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Post by chris63 on Mon Mar 07, 2016 4:28 am

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were of course lovers when they shared rooms at 221b Baker Street. On one occasion Holmes had Watson ready to receive his attentions. He said "Before we start, Watson, I'm going to cut this lemon in half and smear the juice over your bottom."

Watson cried "That's astonishing, Holmes!"

Holmes replied "Lemon entry, my dear Watson"..............

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Post by azriel on Mon Mar 07, 2016 7:30 am

lol!

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"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us. It's the job that's never started as takes longest to finish.”
"There are far, far, better things ahead than any we can leave behind"
If you always do what you have always done, you will always get what you always got

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Post by Mrs Figg on Mon Mar 07, 2016 4:57 pm

Shocked Laughing

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Post by bungobaggins on Fri Mar 11, 2016 4:40 pm

A guy walks into a pub and sees a sign hanging over the bar that reads: CHEESEBURGER: $1.50 CHICKEN SANDWICH: $2.50 HAND JOB: $10.00 He walks up to the bar and beckons one of the three exceptionally attractive blondes serving drinks. "Can I help you?" she asks. "I was wondering," whispers the man. "Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?" "Yes," she purrs. "I am." The man replies, "Well, wash your hands. I want a cheeseburger."

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